Sunday, September 18, 2016

Never Regret of the Road you Took~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.... lots of event happened while im away from writing here... 8th May 2016, was the day I got my precious baby Atta from his mother. Since then, im a mummy alhamdulillah. I learned a lot. Baby before mummy. Everything need to take into account on how can I do or not do it because of him. I stopped my late night or overnight hang out, I learned how to make milk from baby formula, how to dress him properly and even how to feed him, waking up several times in the middle of the night to make baby formula for my baby. I threw away my crazy little adventure to be a responsible mother. I pray that Allah will always help me going through all obstacle in raising my precious Atta. on 29th July 2016, Im officially married to my husband. The phase was fast, and for me sometimes i even forgot that im a mrs. not a ms anymore. I hope that every hardship im facing right now, will make me stronger than before. i wanna cry, but it stuck in my chest. What I need is not money. What I need is that my husband hug me silently and i can lean on his chest, and maybe only then my tears will come out from being stuck inside. I never regretted this road that I took even it feels like I've been stab countless of times. Mum told me several times that she think she don't know me anymore. i just hope that she will not hurting her head by her overthinking self. What I need is not comments, accusations, condemns, sympathy, nagging or raging. What I need is not understanding because me myself don't even understand me. What I need is just a silent hug, along this road that I took. I love myself, my husband, my son, my mum, my sister and my family.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

When You Always Think You Are Better Than Others...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.... Allahu... May Allah forgive me for all the sin I did conscious or unconsciously. I am a sinner. That Im well aware of. Only Allah can pardon me for all the things I done. I learned a lot in a short time span... when people become judgemental of others it shocked me...and there is one who with pride saying that "I am clever than you"... just because of large debt margin between me and him. At first I felt that it was no point for me to argue to such nonsensical accusation but as I think that I want to see how this foolish argument will end up to, and how "clever" a person who think that they are clever pin point his so called clever argument, I provoked him into asking on his total debt. It turned out by him saying "You are clever than me. You win." when we compare all the debt we have and his debt is indeed higher than me while my debt turn to negative. Hence why there is a saying stated "Don't judge a book by its cover". We cannot simply judge people when we know nothing unless the thing they reveal to us. My aimed was not to prove that I am clever than him because only Allah knows best but my point was to show him that you can't judge people and think that you are better than others. In life, we need to stay humble and learn all the good traits we found from people around us. I am far from clever. I am not seeking to win... What I seek is to have people around me who accept my flaws, not being judgemental, having an open heart, open for discussion without judgement and a broad wide kind of thinking. When you always blame people, saying this and that without even trying to reflect on how did the thing happen to you at the first place, why people done that to you, and when you are too full of yourself whereby you just selectively taken the things you want to listen to and turn deaf for the things you don't want to listen to, nothing can be done. I was hurt when I am being accused of the thing I didn't do, the thing that I didn't have the thought of even doing it and being compared to other people. My real attention was to help regaining the emotional strength, listen to lots of complaints without arguing because I know in order to heal, venting what inside our heart helps a lot. I didn't regret listening to all those problems that were not even related to me but what I regret is that I was accused of thinking too high of myself, too egoistic for my own good, will follow the path of self destruction like his ex, and being pushed to accept other guy's feeling non stop just because he think I am comparing that guy with him by saying he is not perfect. Gosh, I never compare him with that guy he pushed me to or to other guys out there. Never once I think that he is perfect. When I remind him of his own saying stated he will not saying anything further about the guy he want me to try to get married with, I was once again accused of being the most egoistic person, more than guys and anyone he knows in this world. Accusation hurts, but I still think that we can still be friends. When he said he don't ever want to talk to me again and don't bother to reply the message, I knew I need to spill the thing that mounting inside my head and my heart of how I was hurt being accused over and over again. I had enough. I tried enough. I endured enough. I can't let myself being constantly accused, criticize, and looking down upon. All the fondness I saw in him vanished that instant. I used to think that even he said he like other girl I can still be a good friend with him because we can't force the matter of heart. I was clouded by his effort and care. Now what is left is just a good memories of him. I will forget all the things he said that hurt me, the feeling once I had for him even as a friend and the things he showed and teaches me. I will just remember that during the end of 2015 up to beginning of April 2016, I knew a broken guy who were actually a nice and friendly lad, who want to escape to an island bringing his ukulele, my lobsters and his praying mat. A guy who was caring enough on taking care of his old father and like to chatter non stop. May Allah give him peacefulness, able to control his emotion and be happy again choosing the path he like the most. While I am just me, a traveler of life. My spring ends here. Now back to become me.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Im gonna be okay...eventually~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.... When you've been slapped by reality.... Its so powerful you can't simply ignore, you can just receive it with a heavy heart. Im gonna stick to my principle...loving yourself first before you love others. by thinking of this, im gonna walk out of my melting zone... my day dream zone... im not someone who deserve to love others and be love by others... time to pick up the shattering pieces and glue it back together... its like the poem of The Road Not Taken.... im taking the one which is less travel by... Im gonna be okay...eventually....

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Calming the wave~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... When nothing went right, go left... I define this as there are always option we can make and we can choose although we think that nothing can be done... Dont expect too much of anything... be thankful, be grateful, be wise, stay humble and expect nothing in return for any deed you're doing. I want to stay positive, and live life to the more and expect none. I want to give out strength and good vibes for people around me. i know i can calm the wave inside me in time. it is hard, i know but i already knew it before. That I will play with fire... i could end up hurting myself when it come to the matter of heart even though I originally think that my heart will stay frozen and will not budge. Little that I know I will experience the thing im afraid to go through the most. butterfly rampage, crazy waves in my tummy and falling for the other gender are what I thought i will not go through but well2 who am i trying to fool? i was asked to pray yet i dont know what to pray. this crazy wave is melting my frozen heart. I need to fix it before it goes as soft as tofu and get smash on the floor. calming the wave by putting it in the freezer. hmm... sound pretty convincing though.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Writing~~~I missed you so much~~~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... I missed writing.... and I feel its time for me to continue my writing of many ways I can feel at ease... I can write anything... and I can be anything I wanna be... even its just virtually... :) writing can sway my head from thinking about things that bothered me... things I wanna run away from... things that want to make me go inside my turtle shell... gonna start it tonight and Im determined to do it... I missed someone and i need to stop thinking about that feeling... writing will help my misery... writing is my drug to forget everything that going lets write!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Butterfly Rampage

Bismilaahirrahmanirrahim... Alhamdulillah, some of my new resolution are sailing smoothly. Last night was the 2nd night I teaches iqra' and having discussion on fardhu ain with people under Buku Jalanan Chow Kit and Homeless in KL NGO. I share a bit of my knowledge and in return i learned a lot from my students as well. Allahu... only Allah knows how grateful I am for this opportunity. I am searching to give out my hand without receiving money and alhamdulillah praise be to Allah, the most Gracious...He grant my wishes and lead me to know one of the head volunteer and from then on I got to share what I know and apply it to those people in need. I don't have lots to offer but I know Allah will help those who want to help others. How peaceful I am to get this thing done, to fight the laziness and tiredness in me and force myself to go and teach them. When there is a will there will always be ways to accomplish anything, in shaa Allah. I was bothered by the fact that Im starting to feel butterfly rampage in my stomach, Im afraid Im starting to fall for someone. I know I need to stick to my new resolution whereby I need to focus on giving than receiving. I think its already time for me to go back into my protective shell and calm my butterfly rampage in my tummy. I do not want to misunderstood of the way he treated me, like Im a precious person. Im afraid the closer I get with him, the more I will dependent on him. He is too good to be true while I am too afraid to even think of sharing a future with him. With my Everest height high of flaws Im afraid i will just be a burden, not a stress reliever or a strength. I know that he is a natural carer, he cares about other people no matter who they are. I will always pray that Allah will restore his strength, let go of his problems, ease his burden and make him happy again. People come and go from our life for a reason. He came into my life and teaches me things that I long forgotten without him knowing. Thinking about how peaceful I am just sitting beside him without saying anything is starting to freak me out. The fluttering feeling when I found his selfie in my photo section creep me out. Its not he frightens me, its me afraid that this is just a dream, and the feeling of not wanting to wake up frightens me a lot. I remember when he said he do not want to give me any hope, and Im using this phrase of him to keep on remind me that he just treated me like his good friend. He will have his own life back on track in a matter of no time. He is recovering and he will still treated me good because he is naturally like that. I have to stop making excuses to force him to spend time with me. I have to stop this butterfly rampage in my tummy. I have to wake up to reality. I must calm down. I dont want to be more broken than i am right now. Call me a coward, but this is just too much for me to handle. When he said that he dont want to go last night, I know my time is almost up. The clock ticking is fainting. Thank you Allah for giving me chance to feel like Im precious again even if it is just for a short moment of time. I will stop making excuses, I will stop having hope, I will just focus on giving and not receiving. Im just a traveler, who happened to get to have this butterfly rampage on my journey of life. wallahualam~

Monday, February 15, 2016

2016 New Resolution

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... Went to meet my family's neighbour who used to lived beside my grandfather's house more than 30 years ago. Actually it was my second time there...I first came 9 or 10 years back when I was young and just kidding. I am still young, at heart. I know how my mum treasure that grandmother and how I feel like we are family with no blood relation, so closed and even closer than a real family can be. Strange and weird but it is true. That was and still is how I feel towards that family. The grandmother shed tears many times throughout our 3 hours plus visit. I feel that it was too short yet meaningful visit. The grandmother was so warm towards me and even asked a standard question "dah ada pakwe ke belum?" and when I said not yet, her response was so cute in a way I felt like i wanted to pinch her cheek. so cheeky yet warm when she said "Budak perempuan zaman sekarang ni tipulah kalau takde pakwe.Ni mesti sorok takmau tunjuk ni. cakap dengan embah betul2, kau tipu kan?" while I kneeled near her. I was taken aback because she asked and accused me in front of my mum, my granma and my aunt without hesitation. When she asked that, all of these eyes were fixed at me expecting me to say yes yet I know that I do not have any answer to that. I just answered "Dah tanya, orang jawab takde pastu tak caya pulak" while laughing softly and patting her leg. I learned these past few weeks that I need to wake up from any kind of expectation towards people.Some people said that I need to work on what I want. Like how I want to make my company goes forward and I work for it, it need to be applied into my other things I want as well which means if I want to be love, than work for it as well. Well, it easier to say than being done. I read somewhere, the girl was so afraid to move forward in love because she afraid that the guy will one day think that she will not be the one and abandon her. How can he be really sure that they can find happiness in each other but the guy said to find the answer they need to find it together. The courage that the guy had moved the girl's hesitation which is good for her at least but how can I work to find love when I know my flaws are as big as the Everest? wow~ 8,840m yo! Later in the evening I went to assist the NGO to provide food and other basic necessities to unfortunate people in KL. I finally found it. The channel where I want to pour my love to. I may not be fortunate when it comes to finding my soulmate but I can always help those unfortunate people. I just couldn't find the strength to work for finding love from the other gender but I surely can use it to good use by assisting people in need. I stopped wishing that I got to get married because I know the Everest height of flaws are too high to be taken care off or even adopt a baby because there are so many people against it. Hence I made up my mind on the new thing I went through yesterday. From my experienced yesterday, I wore a worn jeans, worn t-shirt, black tudung and sandals. I was on my way to my car which located in the service office building. While I was walking, this one guy on a bicycle asked me "Tak ambil nasi ke?" when he saw that I didnt brought the packages that was distributed to the homeless. I was shocked because he thought I am one of the homeless but my reply was "Oh, tak. saya tak ambil. saya tolong bagi saja". When I think back, he was homeless but he cared for other homeless as well. How nice of him. He asked my apology and tell me to be careful on my way to my car but I said it was ok and I continue walking. When I am half way down the path to go to my car, the security rudely shouted "Hey hey! Nak pergi mana!" the tone was not only rude but it shows no respect at all. I got the vibes of how a homeless or even beggars feel at that time but the homeless guy from earlier stopped his old bike and told the security that I am not homeless and I wanted to get to my car. Even a homeless know how to fend and respect for other people. That is what our people lack nowadays. Stand up for others in need without prejudice. That is what I want to work for now. To help changing our rotten and rusty mentality of our people. I FELT SMALL LAST NIGHT BUT I NOW KNOW WHAT MY NEW 2016 RESOLUTION WILL BE. STOP DREAMING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE (which is finding love and dream of marriage which is not suitable anymore for my age.yeah~ Im too old to start dreaming about finding love again) AND START WORKING ON THE THINGS I KNOW I COULD DO TO AT LEAST CHANGE A BIT OF THAT SMALL WORLD I WENT TO YESTERDAY. Nisi Dominus Frustra~

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Feeling of Gratefulness

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... I haven't write in a long period of time...lots of thing had happened... Life is indeed full of colours...Was lost a year ago and trying hard to find ways on how to stay sane... Alhamdulillah, with the help of Allah, the most gracious, I managed to go through hard times...learned that no one will be able to help without His will... I nearly forgot that I have this blog to begin with... until someone told me that he read my journey through my blog...Allahu... Here I learned that Allah will always send His love either directly or indirectly... He know the moment I need to pour my heart, He sent me someone to remind me that I have a medium I used to use to vent my heart out... I am not writing to gain sympathy or fame but I just a mere human who need this platform to share my thoughts... When I start back my cycling routine this morning, I saw things I didn't get to see while driving... I got to enjoy the scenery more, I saw how a big antique house that used to be so beautiful just left without walls and I got something out of seeing this thing... nothing last forever... I should cherish my life and enjoy it while it last... As the house were no longer as I remember it before, there will be time where I will no longer live in this world... how ironic it is to think that every single things that started will eventually come to an end... All of us have our own expired date... me? Wallahualam... I hope that before I got to take my last breath, I will be able to give much more than I get... I'm grateful for whatever I have, whatever I once had and lost, and whatever that will come to me... I read somewhere people said problems makes people stronger...I'm still keep on convincing myself with this phrase actually... I got to know someone who keep on giving me reminder to cherish myself and thank you Allah for not giving up on me... although You know how ungrateful I was... You sent me someone I can pour my heart to even I know he doesn't even listen and understand it but nevertheless I know I am helping myself to believe in happiness again...bottling in everything won't do me any good...learning to share is a new thing for me... I'm writing again...Because this is what I like to do... no one to judge, its just me...and only me... Syukran Jazilan Ya Rabb