Sunday, February 28, 2016

Butterfly Rampage

Bismilaahirrahmanirrahim... Alhamdulillah, some of my new resolution are sailing smoothly. Last night was the 2nd night I teaches iqra' and having discussion on fardhu ain with people under Buku Jalanan Chow Kit and Homeless in KL NGO. I share a bit of my knowledge and in return i learned a lot from my students as well. Allahu... only Allah knows how grateful I am for this opportunity. I am searching to give out my hand without receiving money and alhamdulillah praise be to Allah, the most Gracious...He grant my wishes and lead me to know one of the head volunteer and from then on I got to share what I know and apply it to those people in need. I don't have lots to offer but I know Allah will help those who want to help others. How peaceful I am to get this thing done, to fight the laziness and tiredness in me and force myself to go and teach them. When there is a will there will always be ways to accomplish anything, in shaa Allah. I was bothered by the fact that Im starting to feel butterfly rampage in my stomach, Im afraid Im starting to fall for someone. I know I need to stick to my new resolution whereby I need to focus on giving than receiving. I think its already time for me to go back into my protective shell and calm my butterfly rampage in my tummy. I do not want to misunderstood of the way he treated me, like Im a precious person. Im afraid the closer I get with him, the more I will dependent on him. He is too good to be true while I am too afraid to even think of sharing a future with him. With my Everest height high of flaws Im afraid i will just be a burden, not a stress reliever or a strength. I know that he is a natural carer, he cares about other people no matter who they are. I will always pray that Allah will restore his strength, let go of his problems, ease his burden and make him happy again. People come and go from our life for a reason. He came into my life and teaches me things that I long forgotten without him knowing. Thinking about how peaceful I am just sitting beside him without saying anything is starting to freak me out. The fluttering feeling when I found his selfie in my photo section creep me out. Its not he frightens me, its me afraid that this is just a dream, and the feeling of not wanting to wake up frightens me a lot. I remember when he said he do not want to give me any hope, and Im using this phrase of him to keep on remind me that he just treated me like his good friend. He will have his own life back on track in a matter of no time. He is recovering and he will still treated me good because he is naturally like that. I have to stop making excuses to force him to spend time with me. I have to stop this butterfly rampage in my tummy. I have to wake up to reality. I must calm down. I dont want to be more broken than i am right now. Call me a coward, but this is just too much for me to handle. When he said that he dont want to go last night, I know my time is almost up. The clock ticking is fainting. Thank you Allah for giving me chance to feel like Im precious again even if it is just for a short moment of time. I will stop making excuses, I will stop having hope, I will just focus on giving and not receiving. Im just a traveler, who happened to get to have this butterfly rampage on my journey of life. wallahualam~

Monday, February 15, 2016

2016 New Resolution

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... Went to meet my family's neighbour who used to lived beside my grandfather's house more than 30 years ago. Actually it was my second time there...I first came 9 or 10 years back when I was young and just kidding. I am still young, at heart. I know how my mum treasure that grandmother and how I feel like we are family with no blood relation, so closed and even closer than a real family can be. Strange and weird but it is true. That was and still is how I feel towards that family. The grandmother shed tears many times throughout our 3 hours plus visit. I feel that it was too short yet meaningful visit. The grandmother was so warm towards me and even asked a standard question "dah ada pakwe ke belum?" and when I said not yet, her response was so cute in a way I felt like i wanted to pinch her cheek. so cheeky yet warm when she said "Budak perempuan zaman sekarang ni tipulah kalau takde pakwe.Ni mesti sorok takmau tunjuk ni. cakap dengan embah betul2, kau tipu kan?" while I kneeled near her. I was taken aback because she asked and accused me in front of my mum, my granma and my aunt without hesitation. When she asked that, all of these eyes were fixed at me expecting me to say yes yet I know that I do not have any answer to that. I just answered "Dah tanya, orang jawab takde pastu tak caya pulak" while laughing softly and patting her leg. I learned these past few weeks that I need to wake up from any kind of expectation towards people.Some people said that I need to work on what I want. Like how I want to make my company goes forward and I work for it, it need to be applied into my other things I want as well which means if I want to be love, than work for it as well. Well, it easier to say than being done. I read somewhere, the girl was so afraid to move forward in love because she afraid that the guy will one day think that she will not be the one and abandon her. How can he be really sure that they can find happiness in each other but the guy said to find the answer they need to find it together. The courage that the guy had moved the girl's hesitation which is good for her at least but how can I work to find love when I know my flaws are as big as the Everest? wow~ 8,840m yo! Later in the evening I went to assist the NGO to provide food and other basic necessities to unfortunate people in KL. I finally found it. The channel where I want to pour my love to. I may not be fortunate when it comes to finding my soulmate but I can always help those unfortunate people. I just couldn't find the strength to work for finding love from the other gender but I surely can use it to good use by assisting people in need. I stopped wishing that I got to get married because I know the Everest height of flaws are too high to be taken care off or even adopt a baby because there are so many people against it. Hence I made up my mind on the new thing I went through yesterday. From my experienced yesterday, I wore a worn jeans, worn t-shirt, black tudung and sandals. I was on my way to my car which located in the service office building. While I was walking, this one guy on a bicycle asked me "Tak ambil nasi ke?" when he saw that I didnt brought the packages that was distributed to the homeless. I was shocked because he thought I am one of the homeless but my reply was "Oh, tak. saya tak ambil. saya tolong bagi saja". When I think back, he was homeless but he cared for other homeless as well. How nice of him. He asked my apology and tell me to be careful on my way to my car but I said it was ok and I continue walking. When I am half way down the path to go to my car, the security rudely shouted "Hey hey! Nak pergi mana!" the tone was not only rude but it shows no respect at all. I got the vibes of how a homeless or even beggars feel at that time but the homeless guy from earlier stopped his old bike and told the security that I am not homeless and I wanted to get to my car. Even a homeless know how to fend and respect for other people. That is what our people lack nowadays. Stand up for others in need without prejudice. That is what I want to work for now. To help changing our rotten and rusty mentality of our people. I FELT SMALL LAST NIGHT BUT I NOW KNOW WHAT MY NEW 2016 RESOLUTION WILL BE. STOP DREAMING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE (which is finding love and dream of marriage which is not suitable anymore for my age.yeah~ Im too old to start dreaming about finding love again) AND START WORKING ON THE THINGS I KNOW I COULD DO TO AT LEAST CHANGE A BIT OF THAT SMALL WORLD I WENT TO YESTERDAY. Nisi Dominus Frustra~

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Feeling of Gratefulness

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... I haven't write in a long period of time...lots of thing had happened... Life is indeed full of colours...Was lost a year ago and trying hard to find ways on how to stay sane... Alhamdulillah, with the help of Allah, the most gracious, I managed to go through hard times...learned that no one will be able to help without His will... I nearly forgot that I have this blog to begin with... until someone told me that he read my journey through my blog...Allahu... Here I learned that Allah will always send His love either directly or indirectly... He know the moment I need to pour my heart, He sent me someone to remind me that I have a medium I used to use to vent my heart out... I am not writing to gain sympathy or fame but I just a mere human who need this platform to share my thoughts... When I start back my cycling routine this morning, I saw things I didn't get to see while driving... I got to enjoy the scenery more, I saw how a big antique house that used to be so beautiful just left without walls and I got something out of seeing this thing... nothing last forever... I should cherish my life and enjoy it while it last... As the house were no longer as I remember it before, there will be time where I will no longer live in this world... how ironic it is to think that every single things that started will eventually come to an end... All of us have our own expired date... me? Wallahualam... I hope that before I got to take my last breath, I will be able to give much more than I get... I'm grateful for whatever I have, whatever I once had and lost, and whatever that will come to me... I read somewhere people said problems makes people stronger...I'm still keep on convincing myself with this phrase actually... I got to know someone who keep on giving me reminder to cherish myself and thank you Allah for not giving up on me... although You know how ungrateful I was... You sent me someone I can pour my heart to even I know he doesn't even listen and understand it but nevertheless I know I am helping myself to believe in happiness again...bottling in everything won't do me any good...learning to share is a new thing for me... I'm writing again...Because this is what I like to do... no one to judge, its just me...and only me... Syukran Jazilan Ya Rabb