Sunday, February 28, 2016

Butterfly Rampage

Bismilaahirrahmanirrahim... Alhamdulillah, some of my new resolution are sailing smoothly. Last night was the 2nd night I teaches iqra' and having discussion on fardhu ain with people under Buku Jalanan Chow Kit and Homeless in KL NGO. I share a bit of my knowledge and in return i learned a lot from my students as well. Allahu... only Allah knows how grateful I am for this opportunity. I am searching to give out my hand without receiving money and alhamdulillah praise be to Allah, the most Gracious...He grant my wishes and lead me to know one of the head volunteer and from then on I got to share what I know and apply it to those people in need. I don't have lots to offer but I know Allah will help those who want to help others. How peaceful I am to get this thing done, to fight the laziness and tiredness in me and force myself to go and teach them. When there is a will there will always be ways to accomplish anything, in shaa Allah. I was bothered by the fact that Im starting to feel butterfly rampage in my stomach, Im afraid Im starting to fall for someone. I know I need to stick to my new resolution whereby I need to focus on giving than receiving. I think its already time for me to go back into my protective shell and calm my butterfly rampage in my tummy. I do not want to misunderstood of the way he treated me, like Im a precious person. Im afraid the closer I get with him, the more I will dependent on him. He is too good to be true while I am too afraid to even think of sharing a future with him. With my Everest height high of flaws Im afraid i will just be a burden, not a stress reliever or a strength. I know that he is a natural carer, he cares about other people no matter who they are. I will always pray that Allah will restore his strength, let go of his problems, ease his burden and make him happy again. People come and go from our life for a reason. He came into my life and teaches me things that I long forgotten without him knowing. Thinking about how peaceful I am just sitting beside him without saying anything is starting to freak me out. The fluttering feeling when I found his selfie in my photo section creep me out. Its not he frightens me, its me afraid that this is just a dream, and the feeling of not wanting to wake up frightens me a lot. I remember when he said he do not want to give me any hope, and Im using this phrase of him to keep on remind me that he just treated me like his good friend. He will have his own life back on track in a matter of no time. He is recovering and he will still treated me good because he is naturally like that. I have to stop making excuses to force him to spend time with me. I have to stop this butterfly rampage in my tummy. I have to wake up to reality. I must calm down. I dont want to be more broken than i am right now. Call me a coward, but this is just too much for me to handle. When he said that he dont want to go last night, I know my time is almost up. The clock ticking is fainting. Thank you Allah for giving me chance to feel like Im precious again even if it is just for a short moment of time. I will stop making excuses, I will stop having hope, I will just focus on giving and not receiving. Im just a traveler, who happened to get to have this butterfly rampage on my journey of life. wallahualam~

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