Thursday, April 7, 2016

When You Always Think You Are Better Than Others...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.... Allahu... May Allah forgive me for all the sin I did conscious or unconsciously. I am a sinner. That Im well aware of. Only Allah can pardon me for all the things I done. I learned a lot in a short time span... when people become judgemental of others it shocked me...and there is one who with pride saying that "I am clever than you"... just because of large debt margin between me and him. At first I felt that it was no point for me to argue to such nonsensical accusation but as I think that I want to see how this foolish argument will end up to, and how "clever" a person who think that they are clever pin point his so called clever argument, I provoked him into asking on his total debt. It turned out by him saying "You are clever than me. You win." when we compare all the debt we have and his debt is indeed higher than me while my debt turn to negative. Hence why there is a saying stated "Don't judge a book by its cover". We cannot simply judge people when we know nothing unless the thing they reveal to us. My aimed was not to prove that I am clever than him because only Allah knows best but my point was to show him that you can't judge people and think that you are better than others. In life, we need to stay humble and learn all the good traits we found from people around us. I am far from clever. I am not seeking to win... What I seek is to have people around me who accept my flaws, not being judgemental, having an open heart, open for discussion without judgement and a broad wide kind of thinking. When you always blame people, saying this and that without even trying to reflect on how did the thing happen to you at the first place, why people done that to you, and when you are too full of yourself whereby you just selectively taken the things you want to listen to and turn deaf for the things you don't want to listen to, nothing can be done. I was hurt when I am being accused of the thing I didn't do, the thing that I didn't have the thought of even doing it and being compared to other people. My real attention was to help regaining the emotional strength, listen to lots of complaints without arguing because I know in order to heal, venting what inside our heart helps a lot. I didn't regret listening to all those problems that were not even related to me but what I regret is that I was accused of thinking too high of myself, too egoistic for my own good, will follow the path of self destruction like his ex, and being pushed to accept other guy's feeling non stop just because he think I am comparing that guy with him by saying he is not perfect. Gosh, I never compare him with that guy he pushed me to or to other guys out there. Never once I think that he is perfect. When I remind him of his own saying stated he will not saying anything further about the guy he want me to try to get married with, I was once again accused of being the most egoistic person, more than guys and anyone he knows in this world. Accusation hurts, but I still think that we can still be friends. When he said he don't ever want to talk to me again and don't bother to reply the message, I knew I need to spill the thing that mounting inside my head and my heart of how I was hurt being accused over and over again. I had enough. I tried enough. I endured enough. I can't let myself being constantly accused, criticize, and looking down upon. All the fondness I saw in him vanished that instant. I used to think that even he said he like other girl I can still be a good friend with him because we can't force the matter of heart. I was clouded by his effort and care. Now what is left is just a good memories of him. I will forget all the things he said that hurt me, the feeling once I had for him even as a friend and the things he showed and teaches me. I will just remember that during the end of 2015 up to beginning of April 2016, I knew a broken guy who were actually a nice and friendly lad, who want to escape to an island bringing his ukulele, my lobsters and his praying mat. A guy who was caring enough on taking care of his old father and like to chatter non stop. May Allah give him peacefulness, able to control his emotion and be happy again choosing the path he like the most. While I am just me, a traveler of life. My spring ends here. Now back to become me.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Im gonna be okay...eventually~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.... When you've been slapped by reality.... Its so powerful you can't simply ignore, you can just receive it with a heavy heart. Im gonna stick to my principle...loving yourself first before you love others. by thinking of this, im gonna walk out of my melting zone... my day dream zone... im not someone who deserve to love others and be love by others... time to pick up the shattering pieces and glue it back together... its like the poem of The Road Not Taken.... im taking the one which is less travel by... Im gonna be okay...eventually....